Hey, man. How are you? No, I mean really? Everything okay? If not, you want to talk about it? Seriously, I'm here to listen, and all your feelings are valid.
Let me tell you a little about myself. My name's Vlad, and I'm an ethical vampire. Please don't laugh, it's very hurtful. I'm totally serious. Look, I won't go into how it happened, because that story is being told in Gloom and Doom: A Pixie Romance. But I'll tell you why, and how you can join the movement too. Well, if you're a vampire. If you're not, I'd like to invite you into my office for a counselling session, and perhaps we can talk about you voluntarily donating some blood.
Oh wow, sorry man, I'm totally getting ahead of myself. Why ethical vampirism? Well, to put it quite simply, food has feelings too, and we vampires have got to respect that. There's a karmic price to every fairy, or dwarf, or fire elf, or even human you kill, you know? That's why they fight. They totally don't like it when you drink their blood. And yet, we must drink blood to survive. That's where ethical vampirism comes in. It's a second way: A better way. A cruelty free, karmically neutral path that not only gets you blood without a fight, but makes friends with your food as well!
I first conceived the idea of ethical vampirism while reading my favourite book, Psychiatry for Dummies. It's a great book. I learned everything I know about counselling from it, and I've even founded a practice on the strength of it. You see, for far too long, the evil and despotic muse king kept us under his sway by feeding us all the blood we could consume - but it was poisoned blood, tainted with chemicals that made us easy to manipulate. I won't go further into the whole terrible situation, it's really quite traumatic, except to tell you that we - my brother Dave, myself, and a few trusted friends - broke free by refusing to drink the blood.
And that was when it became clear: there is a better way forward for the vampire nation. Using the awesome powers of psychology, we can build bridges with all the tribes, and exchange dealing with your deep-seated issues for a bit of your blood. Especially the fairies. We like the fairies best.
You can read more about that in Shiny Things, a totally factual account of this fairy who comes to Shadow and helps us free our king.
So hey, if you're a vampire and you want to know more about ethical vampirism, talk to me, anytime of the night. If you're a fairy or a human, you can talk to me about anything. Anything at all. Peace man. -Vlad